Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize