U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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