oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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