Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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