i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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