I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
