my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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