I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
