The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
