I didn't shave. On purpose
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
