shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
