I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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