so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
