sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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