The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
