That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
