I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
