So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
