I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
