look no pants
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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