New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
