woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
