remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
