no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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