My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize