just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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