My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
