If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
