Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
