guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
