I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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