i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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