Yo dont text me then not text me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize