Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize