I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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