On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
no more duck duck goose at the bar
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
