Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
