i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
