the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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