were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
