I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize