Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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