how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
