I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
