I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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