i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
