I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
