i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
