I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
