There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
