just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize