Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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