you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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