My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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