then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
