First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
