I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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