I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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