I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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