the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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