he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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