So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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