so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
