as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
