i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
