So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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